Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on
by Cal-Wills
Summary: GRAB a Tissue! Now! Chris/Addy SLASH. He didn't think he could save me did he? I'm barely hanging on. I won't destory the ending, but there SEX, Lang, and it's MATURE. one - shot R&R Another Oldie


Title: Let me Slip Away, I'm barely holding on  
Pairing: Adam 'Edge' Copeland X Chris 'Jericho' Irvine Mentions: Shawdam, Centon and Jeff Hardy X Jay Reso  
Mentions of Triple H, Jay Reso, Shawn Michaels, Jeff Hardy, Randy Orton and John Cena.  
Song Lyrics: +44 - Weatherman  
Warnings: M/M, Heavey angst, cutting, suicide, Alcohol and Drug usage and Lang  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the Idea. All Characters belong to WWE, INC, The song "Weatherman" belong to +44.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam's POV.

_So you think you've been through it all__  
__But I can't help but wonder now__  
__Yesterday I found my worst regret__  
__I'll hide it away so no one ever knows_

Ever feel as if you'd done something so horrible, so wrong that you'd die to hide it, to it keep a secret? I have... I'm not proud of it either. That secret, my life had spun so out of control, my mother's death, Shawn leaving me for Hunter, was what had done it. I started drinking... ALOT. Then from there, somehow i started doing, and got addicted to heroin. But as all secrets go, someone usually finds out, then tries to help you, tries to save you... because they think they know what's best for you.

Only I KNOW what's best for me! What happened? Here's what happened, this is how it went down...

**XX Flash Back XX******

_I looked at the clock on the wall, holding my arm tight against my mid section as i squeezed my eyes tightly shut. I needed a fix dammit! With drawl was the worst pain i'd ever gone through... Glancing back up at the clock, realizing, that maybe if i was quick about it, i could sneak a fix before anyone got here. I tossed my gear back on the black leather couch, reaching inside my back, pulling out a Box, the size of a crayon box, tossing a final look over my shoulder before pulling the syringe, a tourniquet, and the bottle of heroin. ___

_I tied the tourniquet around my fore arm tightly, biting the cap off the needle, shoving it into the bottle and slowly pulling back on the tip, watching as the purple fluid fill the syringe. Once filled, i removed it as gently as i could, sitting the bottle down, i Slid the needle swiftly into my fore arm, hissing in relief as i pushed down slowly on the tab. ___

_"Hey Ad- I What the FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" Randy yelled stopping mid sentence as he saw me yank the needle out, falling out of my hands as it clattered to the floor. "Nothin' Randy" I slurred kicking the needle, with the rest of the fluid, under the couch. "No! What are you doing to yourself Adam... the whole raw locker room suspected you were doing something... i didn't want it to be true Fuck!" Randy growled glaring at Adam, disappointment evident in his eyes. I dropped my gaze to the floor, biting my bottom lips silently watching Randy. ___

_I'm dying...__  
__I'm trying to leave__  
_

_"Whatcha gonna do, Randy?" I asked afraid the answer would be to report me to management. "Get you the help you need... What are you on?" Randy asked as i looked away, not wanting to face the disappointment, knowing it was me who put it there. "I don't need help, i'm doin' jus' fine thank ya very much." i answered glaring at Randy who stormed out eyes blazing in anger, disappointment and determination to save me. _

**XX End of Flash Back XX**

Randy, unknown to me at the time, actually took the bottle with the remaining heroin to his lover John Cena, who pretty much told him what it was. Randy then told Chris Irvine, the man who was head over heels for me... i only wished i could love him back the same way. Now don't get me wrong, i DO love Chris, but i personally think he can do much better then me. There is no hope for us to have a relationship, a decent one anyways. But back on tract here. Together, John, Randy, Chris AND Jay got me clean, sent me to rehab, let me before the first to tell you it was horrible! All i remembered was the pain and vomiting from the with drawl.

_Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on__  
__Every now and then I feel the end of us_

I still drank heavely, they worked on ridding me of that dirty habit next. They again succeded, but it didn't stop me from starting a new filthy habit to escape life. I started cutting myself, in places they wouldn't see, places i could hide easily, my thighs, calves, sometimes occasoinally, my arms, in which i'd wear long sleeved shirts for awhile to hide the scars. I remember the first time i did it. I was shaving my facial hair, i just got done washing the blade, Chris was downstairs with John, Randy, Jay and Jeff.

The blade mezmerized me, entranced me, shining so beautifully in the light, almost shimmering in dangerous delight. I didn't want to live anymore. I pulled the blade acrossed my fore arm, loving the way the river of crimson poured into the sink, loving the way it made me actaully ... feel alive, rather then in between living and dead. I felt alive! I bled! I felt phsyical pain! Not the typical numbness of everyday life...

That Secret too, as well as the new addiction, came to a sad end... This is how that went down...****

**XX Flash Back XX**

_I sat in the men's bathroom, biting my lip to stop my tears as i pulled my wallet out, removing the small razor blade hidden inside. I pulled my sleeve up, pressing the blade to my wrist, hissing. enjoying the pain, the emotions all mixing as one intoxicating feeling. I closed my eyes, blinking the tears away, rinsing the blade, before tossing it back in my wallet, shoving it in my back pocket, wrapping a few paper towels around the wound, pulling my sleeve down and walking out. ___

_I never meant to say I'm sorry__  
__And I'm not sad to see you go away__  
__Where human shapes burned on concrete walls__  
__These days the sun don't shine here anymore_

_"You okay baby?" Chris asked slipping a protective arm around my waist. I nodded numbly, sitting back in my seat. It was when i reached out to grab my glass of sprite when ... "Hey Adam did ya get some ketchup on your shirt man?" Jeff asked pointing to the red stain. "Oh Shit!" i hissed standing up intending to rush back to the bathroom, when Chris caught my wrist. "Hey Addy it's just-" I released a rather loud hiss, renching my wounded arm away, rushing off. ___

_I shoved my sleeve up, seeing that the blood had soaked through the paper towels, cursing under my breath, as i flushed the bloody ones. I grabbed more, placing them gently over the wound, and i didn't hear the door open behind me. "Adam it's just ketchup it'll come out i'm ... sure." Chris stopped mid sentence blinking as he caught site of me holding the paper towels to the cut on my fore arm. "Adam! What'd you do?" He exclaimed rushing to my side, my first instinct was to yell some really hurtful, ugly words at Chris to make him just go away. But i didn't, instead, i stood there and let him bandage me, expertly using the paper towels as a bandage.___

**XX END OF FLASH BACK XX****  
**

From there on out, Chris kept eye on me, all of them did. They made sure everytime i shaved, someone was watching. John. Randy, Jeff, Jay or Chris himself, then they took the razor away from me. I felt caged. It burned worse then anything, because i needed my fuckinf privacy. I got sick of being treated like a maniac, like a fucking baby. It was my life dammit! And one day i got so sick of it, i snuck two razor bladesa away from Chris. Everyday they found a new cut on me, it drove them insane that they couldn't find the razor blade. I was clever, i taped it under the sink.

_I'm dying... (I find it motivating to see your troubles drowning)__  
__I'm trying to leave (It's such a shame to feel I'm drifting)__  
_

My suicidal ways were putting a strain on Jay and Jeff's relationship, Chris told them to go, get it straightened out before they fell apart. They left. Soon after the same happened with John and Randy. I was becombing a burden, that i knew. It was stressing Chris out, i never wanted to cause him, John, Randy or any of them any pain, i swear i didn't! I just can't live anymore. I don't want them to hurt anymore either, and i know what i must do to stop the stress, the pain, and that's to end myself...

John, Randy, Jeff and Jay were gone, but Chris stood in my way. I came up with a plan. I gave him what he wanted. He was on leave from the WWE, and the moment he stepped through the door, i wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He was shocked, surprised but he returned the kiss, slipping his arms around my waist, i led him upstairs to the bedroom. I stripped him out of his clothing; removing my own, handing him the lube, and a condom i placed by the bed for this reason.

_Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on__  
__Every now and then I feel the end of us__  
__I love the way you breathe inside my head__  
__But something's gotta change, I'm barely holding on_

Chris prepped and entered me slowly, i was a virgin... back there, i felt the blood, the pain, but i barely gasped. Until Chris gently began moving within me, holding me close to his chest, whispering "I love you" with each thrust that hit my spot deep within. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, clinging to Chris, burrowing my face in his shoulder, tears cascading down my cheeks as i bit my lip. I forced the words "I love you Chris" out as i climaxed, Chris not far behind me.

He rolled off me, running a hand over his hair, pulling me into his arms, as i forced a smile for his benefit, pretending to does off. I fiend sleeping for awhile, until Chris actually did dose off. I slid out of his arms, placing a kiss on his forehead, stroking his cheek gently, whispering "I'm sorry."

_Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on__  
__Every now and then I feel the end of us__  
__I love the way you breathe inside my head__  
__But something's gotta change, I'm barely holding on__  
_

I pulled on a pair of briefs and jeans, grabbing a shirt and heading down stairs, walking gingerly. Now dear reader. You may be wondering ''well Chris, John, Randy, Jay and Jeff were gone! While didn't you kill yourself before Chris got home?" am i right? With all the pain i put Chris through, i felt i at least owed him that. Which brings me to right now.

I sit here in the chair, razor blade in hand, i held it over my wrist, ready to pull it down, when i heard "Adam put it down please?" I turned to Chris whispering "No ... I'm sorry" Before i put the razor blade in my mouth, closing my eyes i swallowed it. "Adam No!" Chris yelled rushing to my side, prying my mouth open in hopes it hadn't gone too far. After a quick decision, Chris slid his fingers as far as he could down my throat, hoping it get the blade out, but all that came out, was blood.

_troubles drowning)__  
__Every now and then I feel the end of us (It's such a shame to feel I'm drifting)__  
__troubles drowning)__  
_

I coughed, choked, gagged on the crimson liquid pouring up. "No!" Chris cried wishing he could undo the damage the blade had done, as he held me to his chest. My body convulsed as i spit up more blood. "Adam... please don't go... don't leave me here alone... i love you" Chris sobbed holding me to him as i took my final breath. I wished i could tell him i loved him too, i wished i undo all the pain and misery i'd put him through. I wished we had a chance to have a decent relationship, maybe in my next life i'll handle this different.

I'm sorry Chris, I'm sorry Randy, I'm John, I'm sorry Jay, and I'm sorry Jeff, It's all over now.

You couldn't save me from the start, i was barely holding on.

_I'm drifting)___

_I'm barely holding on__  
__I'm barely holding on_

~ Finished ~ Reveiw? :)


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